World's Funniest Jokes (Volume I): Huge Collection of mainly dirty jokes, puns and humor for adults Read online

  World’s Funniest Jokes

  Huge Collection of mainly dirty jokes, puns and humor for adults

  Volume I

  Steve ‘Joke Teller’ Evans

  World’s Funniest Jokes

  Huge Collection of mainly dirty jokes, puns and humor for adults

  Volume I

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored or retransmitted in any form or by any means without the explicit permission of the author. This book might contain product names and registered trademarks. All trademarks in this book are property of their respective owners.

  For additional information, contact the author.

  Job interviewer to Jack: “What is your biggest weakness?”

  Jack: “Honesty”

  Job interviewer: “Honesty? I don’t think that is a weakness.”

  Jack: “I don’t give a shit about what you think.”

  Three spies are captured by a terrorist group: French, German and an Italian.

  The captors first take the French spy for interrogation. They tie his hands behind a chair and torture him for two hours before he spills the beans. The captors throw him back into the cell and drag the German in for their interrogation. Like before, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing him. The German resists for four hours before giving in. The captors throw him back into the cell and then drag the Italian. They again tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing him. Four hours pass by, then eight, then sixteen and even twenty four hours later, the interrogators had not gotten a word out of the Italian. Frustrated, they throw him back into the cell.

  Impressed by the Italian’s resistance, the other two spies ask him, “How did you manage to keep quiet for so long?” The Italian responds, “Oh, I wanted to talk. But I just could not move my hands.”

  The maid requested a raise and the lady of the house was unhappy about it. She asked, “Now, Jessica, why do you think you deserve a raise?”

  Jessica: “There are three reasons why I requested the raise. First, I iron better than you do.”

  Lady of the house: “Who said that?”

  Jessica: “Why, your husband.”

  Lady of the house: “Oh, OK. What is the second reason?”

  Jessica: “Second, I cook better than you.”

  Lady of the house: “Who said that?”

  Jessica: “Your husband.”

  Lady of the house: “And, what is the third reason?”

  Jessica: “Third, I am better in bed than you.”

  Lady of the house, angrily: “Did my husband say that?”

  Jessica: “No, the pool boy did.”

  Jessica got the raise she was looking for.

  A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “Just watch, this is the dumbest kid in the whole world.”

  The barber puts a dollar bill in his right hand and a quarter in his left. He then asks the boy, “Which one do you want?” The boy takes the quarter and leaves the shop. The barber chuckles and tells his customer, “Didn’t I tell you, that kid is really dumb. Even after so many years, he still has not learnt to take the dollar.”

  Sometime later, the customer sees the kid having an ice-cream outside. He walks up to him and asks, “Hey son, I don’t think you are dumb. How come you have never picked a dollar?”

  The kid answers, “Because, the day I take the dollar, the game is over.”

  A dog accidentally strays into the jungle. A lion sees the dog and thinks to himself, “I have never seen his kind before. Bet he will make a tasty morsel.”

  As the lion approaches the dog, the mongrel sees some bones next to a tree. Chewing one of the bones, he loudly exclaims, “That was some good lion meat.”

  Hearing this, the lion stops dead in his track and quietly slinks away. A monkey, sitting on a tree top nearby, sees the whole exchange. Wishing to get on the good side of the king of the jungle, the monkey narrates the whole situation to the lion.

  The lion and the monkey rush back to the spot where the dog was last seen. Seeing the monkey with the lion, the dog immediately understands what happened. Instead of panicking, he paces back and forth, loudly exclaiming, “I should not have trusted that monkey. It has been over an hour and he has still not got me another lion.”

  A new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

  Dad: “Son, now that you have a kid of your own, it is time I gave you something.”

  New Father: “Dad, you don’t need - ”

  Dad: “Yes, I do. You have earned it.”

  Saying this, the dad passes on a handwritten book titled “Parenting Tips”

  New Father: “Dad, I don’t know what to say. I am honored.”

  Dad, with a twinkle in his eyes: “Hi honored. I am Dad”

  A family with two teens checks into a hotel.

  The father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled."

  The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick bastard."

  A young Catholic couple, on their way to get married, are involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. With marriage being on their mind, the first question they asked St. Peter was, “Can we get married in heaven?”

  St. Peter said, “Let me go find out.”

  The couple waited. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if their marriage didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After three months, St. Peter finally returns, looking completely bedraggled.

  “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”

  “Great!” replied the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

  St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. “Oh, come on!”, he shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?”

  On his deathbed, an old Jew says to his wife, “Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me.”

  The wife nodded dutifully, “I was, Moshe”

  He labored a bit and then said, “When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again.”

  The wife tearfully said, “I was, Moshe”

  “And now you're at my death bed, aren't you?”, added Moshe.

  The wife replied, “I am, darling.”

  The old Jew sighed, “I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.”

  A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket and says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing."

  The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

  He asks the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me that pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

  Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

  The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"

  The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's back pocket....."

  A gorilla dies of old age just before a zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo. Since the zoo
is not very profitable and the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, they cannot afford to go a day without it.

  So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage and pretend to be the gorilla.

  Quickly, the new ‘gorilla’ becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the ‘Human-like’ gorilla.

  About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get people’s attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lion’s den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror.

  The man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion’s den. The man starts screaming “Help!! Help!!”

  The lion pounces on him from behind and whispers in his ear, “Shut up right now or you're going to get us both fired.”

  In a circus, there is a popular show with a lion.

  The animal trainer makes the lion open his mouth, pulls his dick out, puts it in the animal’s mouth and smacks it on the head.

  After packing away his dong, he says: “I'll give 500$ to anyone who dares to try this.”

  The audience is in silence but after a while a tiny old lady stands up and mutters:

  “Okay, I'll do it; but only if you promise not to hit me that hard on the head.”

  Why are crazy ex-girlfriends like a box of chocolate?

  Because they both end up killing your dog.

  Stanley died in a fire accident and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body. So they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Jim and Allen. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

  Jim arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Jim said, “The face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

  The mortician rolled him over and Jim said, “Nope, this ain't Stanley.”

  The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Allen in to confirm the identity of the body. Allen looked at the body and said, “The face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

  The mortician rolled him over and Allen said, “Nope, this ain't Stanley.”

  The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

  Allen said, “Well, Stanley had two assholes.”

  “What! He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

  “Yup, everybody in the town used to say, there's Stanley with them two assholes.”

  I was walking around town the other day when I saw these two jerk-offs wearing matching outfits, I mean, down to the belt same outfits. So, I yelled to over to them "Hey faggots! Did you plan that?"

  Anyways, the bastards arrested me.

  How can you tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water?

  If it sinks, it is a girl ant. If it floats, it is a boy-ant.

  What did the physicist say to the young man who was about to jump off the Empire State building?

  Don’t do it. You have so much potential.

  A photo journalist saw a midget prisoner clambering down a prison wall. The prisoner sneered just as the journalist snapped a picture. The next day’s paper had the picture with the caption "Just a little condescending"

  A man was stopped by the police around 2 AM. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

  The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

  The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

  The man replied, "That would be my wife."

  A blind man walks into a bar. Thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender he asks, "Wanna hear a blond joke?"

  In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blond, our bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're all blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"

  The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times."

  A 94-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

  The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 94-year-old said, "Things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"

  The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.

  "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

  "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled 'bang bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead."

  "Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

  The senior citizen replied, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver."

  The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

  A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he’ll be there in 30 minutes.

  The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

  "What are you going to do?”, the homeowner asks.

  “I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.”, says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

  “What's the shotgun for?”, asks the surprised homeowner.

  “If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, please shoot the dog.”

  A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by visiting the fence against which they first made love.

  The husband says, “Come on, let us do it again. For old times' sake.”

  The wife agrees, they both undress and repeat the act.

  Afterwards, the husband says, “You're even better than you were 30 years ago.”

  His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"

  At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

  Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. He snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

  "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods and agrees.

  The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

  "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

  What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls?

  American girls get stoned before they commit adultery.

  Dad: Son, I don’t think you are cut out to be a mime.

  Son: Was it something I said?

  Dad: Yes

  A Texan was walking home late at night and spots a woman in the shadows.

  "Twenty dollars" she whispers.

  Steve had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they do it in the
bushes.

  They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.